Opinion

Local resident Jānis Bērziņš has reportedly been working on a multi-layered alibi involving a fictional dental emergency, a made-up business trip to Estonia, and a fabricated fear of the number 7 since receiving the wedding invitation in 2014. The wedding is in two weeks.

After 47 years of standing in Vermanes Garden, historians have concluded the bronze statue is neither a war hero, poet, nor politician. City records show no documentation of its installation. 'We assume someone just put it there and everyone was too polite to ask,' says confused archivist.

A Baldone-grown potato reportedly gained consciousness yesterday and has retained legal counsel to address 'centuries of reductive typecasting.' The tuber released a statement saying it's 'more than just a food item' and is exploring opportunities in performance art.

Jurmola resident Valdis Liepa, 58, expressed shock upon learning the body of water lacks proper oceanic credentials. 'No one told me it was basically a giant rain collection,' he stated. Geographers confirm the Baltic Sea is technically 'a continental shelf sea that got too big for its britches.'

In a press conference held at an undisclosed tributary, representatives for the Daugava announced the 1,020-kilometer waterway can no longer maintain a consistent flow schedule. 'We've been flowing nonstop for 11,000 years,' said spokesperson. 'Something had to give. Wednesdays are now reserved for maintenance.'