In a landmark decision to address the rapidly worsening sidewalk congestion in Riga, the city's officials have announced the launch of a groundbreaking 'Pedestrian Proficiency License' system. Citing rising instances of jaywalking and 'intermittent texting pauses,' the city council believes this ambitious measure will bring much-needed discipline to the capital's bustling pedestrian life.

Envisioned as a 'passport to step,' the license will require aspiring pedestrians to undergo a rigorous training program followed by a challenging two-part exam consisting of a theoretical and practical assessment. The pilot program, which has already received enthusiastic support from pedestrian advocacy groups, is set to begin in early 2024.

Martins Kārkliņš, the newly appointed Commissioner of Human Traffic Control, revealed the scheme at a press conference on Wednesday. "For too long, our sidewalks have resembled a chaotic bazaar, with individuals weaving erratically and unnecessarily halting for selfies," Kārkliņš explained, donning a reflective jacket and a whistle. "This initiative is not just about safety; it's about fostering a sophisticated pedestrian culture worthy of Latvia's esteemed capital."

The training will cover essential modules such as 'Texting Etiquette: How to Apologize for Bumping,' 'The Art of Strolling: Understanding Speed Limits,' and 'Sidewalk Symphonies: Navigating Traffic Suits and Scooters.' The intensive course aims to prepare candidates for various sidewalk scenarios, including maneuvering through crowds and strategically avoiding aggressive seagulls.

Rasa Ziediņa, a seasoned pedestrian herself and self-proclaimed 'sidewalk steward,' expressed her delight at the proposal. "Finally, we can elevate sidewalk strolling to an art form," she told the Jurmola Telegraphs. "With a license, maybe we can finally eliminate those dreadful 'zombie walkers' who are perpetually glued to their phones!"

The program promises to be inclusive, offering discounts to pensioners and free introductory lessons for toddlers still finding their foot-stepping finesse. City officials are optimistic that by the end of 2025, pedestrian licenses will become as integral to Rigan identity as the traditional ķekatu masks are to Midsummer celebrations.

Despite the overwhelming support from older people, not everyone has been swayed by the initiative. A group of breakaway rebels calling themselves "The Resistance: Walk Free Alliance" has already staged counter-plank protests in the Esplanāde Park, where members daringly walked without blinking or consulting the pavement beneath their feet. "It's an infringement on our basic walking rights!" proclaimed Justs Brūklis, a vehement opponent and notorious 'footloose advocate.' "Mark my words, soon they'll be introducing licenses for breathing fresh air!"

In response to such criticism, Riga’s city manager, Linda Ozoliņa, assured skeptics that the licensing system will be reviewed periodically to assess its impact on both foot and vehicle traffic. "We aim for harmony on our streets; after all, even the grandest journeys begin with a single licensed step," she stated with a smile.

With bureaucracy bustling to prepare for what might be a foot traffic revolution, one thing is clear: Riga is stepping up its game. For the citizens, plans are already afoot, quite literally, to lace up for a new era of safely regulated walking. As they say in these cobblestone corridors, it's time to put your best foot forward.