In a press conference held at an undisclosed tributary, representatives for the Daugava announced the 1,020-kilometer waterway can no longer maintain a consistent flow schedule. 'We've been flowing nonstop for 11,000 years,' said spokesperson. 'Something had to give. Wednesdays are now reserved for maintenance.'

The Daugava River, one of the major waterways in Northern Europe, will now operate on a reduced schedule, flowing only on Tuesdays and Thursdays between 9 AM and 5 PM.

'We understand this may cause inconvenience,' the river's representative explained. 'But frankly, we're exhausted. Have you ever tried flowing continuously for 11 millennia? It's harder than it looks.'

Fishermen, cargo ships, and hydroelectric plants have expressed concern about the new schedule. The river suggested they 'plan accordingly' and 'maybe take up a hobby' on off days.

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, the river will be 'just kind of sitting there,' while weekends are reserved for 'river stuff, you wouldn't understand.'